If you’re like most American parents, you probably worry constantly about how well you’re doing as a parent. Perhaps you question yourself: should I spend more time with my youngest, my oldest, my only child? Do have my child in the right school? Am I praising my child enough? Do I discipline too harshly, discipline enough? Am I spoiling my child? Am I depriving my child? Am I good enough at helping with homework? Should I be helping with homework? Do I let my child succeed? Do I let my child fail? Do I scaffold my child sufficiently for success? Will he or she get into the right college? Did they take enough AP classes? Will they be able to get a job after school? Will they fall in love? Will they fall in love with the wrong people? Will they be happy? Am I teaching them the right values? Should we go to church more? Should go to church less?
First of all, let me say this; give yourself a break (here is a video that should help Moms with that, and here is another one for Dads). There are lots of things that you have control over in this life, the final trajectory of any human, even your child, is probably not one of them. Although the debate continues to rage, there is significant evidence that your child’s genetic makeup, in combination with the environment of the early childhood, is a strong determinant of both personality and behavior. In other words, there is so much about your children that you cannot change; you should save your energy to focus on what you can do for them, not what you can’t. If you are concerned about how good of a parent you are, chances are you’re a great parent.
Does that mean you have no influence? Not at all. First, the best thing you can do for your children is quite simply, to be very loving and physically affectionate. Studies have shown that children of affectionate parents are more secure, more confident, and more able to take risks and try new things. Part of that being very loving is being willing to listen to your children, without interrupting or trying to solve their problems for them. Like any of us, children just want to be heard. Listening, and giving feedback that indicates you have heard what they have said, helps children to feel important in your life.
Second, be vulnerable and share your own difficulties with your children. This has to be done in an age-appropriate way, obviously. When my daughter was younger, I had to explain something to her she found difficult to understand, which was that I could make mistakes. Our children really look up to us, and so finding out that I was imperfect was difficult for her. However, it is certain she was going to figure that out eventually. Telling her about my struggles, and enlisting her help in alleviating my sadness about it, helped her to see that vulnerability is a positive thing. It was also her introduction that family is a unit, and we all have a role to play. Children can often feel as though they are insignificant; it is important to them to know that they have a vital role in the family unit.
Third, and closely connected to the second point, be truthful wherever possible. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was convinced I would never lie to her. My husband just laughed at me. Of course, I have lied to her. I have lied, lied, and lied some more. So much lying. Sometimes I lie out of convenience and sometimes because it would be impossible to explain something to her at her present level of development. However, I have tried to answer any question she has, no matter how complicated or difficult, at a level that she would understand. Sometimes, this is led to her waving me off and going off in the other room after a sentence or two. She has learned that I can be excessively thorough my explanations. I believe by doing this and not shielding her from hard realities, she is able grow in her own decision-making. While my husband and I prevent terrible things from happening to her, we do not pretend that terrible things can’t happen. Someday, she will be out of our field of protection, she needs to have a genuine basis of understanding of the world around her if she is going to make good choices. Good decision-making can only be supported by good information.
Fourth, and I’m personally sad to say this, physical correction, like spanking, should be abandoned. The evidence is clear, spanking does no good and likely does harm. Believe me; I understand the impetus to spank. We have a strong-willed child. She has a great deal of inexplicable rage and quite a temper. Experts in child behavior say this is due to her inherent global sensitivity attached to high intelligence. Whatever the reason, sometimes I really wish she’d stop and there would be something easy and quick that I could do to discourage her episodes. Unfortunately, just like adults, child behavior change takes time. I’ve yet to meet an adult for whom slapping them out of their bad behaviors would likely be effective or without long-term repercussions. I also doubt they’d appreciate it. However, there are lots of alternatives to spanking. One important thing to remember is that children who crave attention will take any kind of attention, at all, even negative attention. Depending on the behavior, it may just be best to ignore the behavior you don’t want and acknowledge and reward the behavior you do. In other words, try to “catch” your child doing what you want them to do and praise and reward them for it. This takes a great deal of time, patience, and attention, but can change behavior over the long-term. If your child does not respond to these corrective behaviors, discuss it with your doctor. Just like adults, children can have issues like depression, anxiety, spectrum disorders, oppositional defiant and so on. In these cases, professional assistance is needed and available through your local school district. Sometimes, love is NOT all you need.
Fifth, demonstrate the behaviors you desire from your child. If you want your child to say please and thank you, say please and thank you to your child. If you want your child to speak calmly and respectfully to others, speak calmly and respectfully to your child – and anyone you come across in your daily life. Your children are always watching you. Always. They will model their behavior on yours. Also, understand that some negative behaviors are actually signs of properly progressing development. Lying is one of these. And face it, we all tell lies. A coworker gets a new haircut, which you think looks bad, and you instead complement them on it. Your child produces a piece of artwork that, frankly, is terrible, and yet you praise them and tell them how beautiful it is and put it up on the refrigerator. You have just lied to your child. Lies play a role in our society, and an inability to lie can actually cause significant difficulties, just ask any adult who is on the spectrum. The key is to model the appropriate use of lying and deception, and make sure that as your child grows they learn when it is moral and ethical to lie and when it isn’t.
Sixth, spend time with your kids and do stuff with them, but don’t kill yourself over it. One of my best jokes, likely because it’s one of those things we all kind of think but never admit, is that my goal is to spend the time with my daughter that she needs to be emotionally healthy, and not one second more. Yeah, some people probably think that makes me a terrible mother, but they don’t have to spend all day with this kid. Seriously, this kid needs friends. Covid-19 is killing all of us. In all seriousness, kids can be draining. It’s okay to admit that. You need you-time, too. Kids really can entertain themselves; in fact it’s good for them. Kids will remember positively almost any time you spend doing just about anything with them. They’ll remember when you worked on the car together, when you painted your office with them, when you all cleaned the house on Saturday morning and played loud music and danced with the mop. Truly, kids really have low expectations.
Finally, raising children is a team sport. Your children need other adults in their lives. You probably remember that you took a coach’s advice more easily than that of your parents. The same is true of your kids. Non-parent adults have influence precisely because children know that they don’t have to like or love them, but do anyway. Many of us have had the importance of teachers reinforced of late. Yes, teachers are critical to development and learning in more ways than one. You can home-school, but you need to make sure that your child has other adult-mentors, people you know and trust, to help guide them into adulthood. Whether you are a single parent working two or three jobs to support your family, or a two-parent family where one parent stays home full-time with the children, kids still need other adults. A child can never have too many adults who love them, whether related or unrelated.
In sum, don’t stress yourself out about your parenting. Remember the basics. Be loving, spend the time you can, avoid spanking, demonstrate the behavior you desire and accept help. Remember that we’re all doing the best we can, you and everyone else. If you see a parent struggling out in public with a tantrum or challenging behavior, try to be supportive. Give the exasperated, likely embarrassed, parent a thumb’s up and tell them they’re handling it well (unless they are actively abusing the child, then call the police). Let parents of young children know it gets better. Because it does. Right?
If you find you are struggling with difficult behavior from your child, please call their doctor and seek assistance. As always, if you have any questions about this article or want to know where you can find your nearest DPC practice, please call me at 760-425-4466 or e-mail me at DrEdwards@wowhealingcare.com.
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